Anxiety Made Well Blog

Spending a year in Canada has been a huge step in working towards freedom.

The previous six years involved working in a government office/call centre environment giving consumer legal advice, such as helping people solve their legal disputes and problems.  It was not a job that I really liked or wanted to do. I knew it was wrong, but I did not know how to escape. For a brief period of time only, it could have been beneficial as it showed me the relativity of different laws that we have on earth. It also helped with my communication skills. I learned how to tactfully deal with problems and difficult people and situations.

It also gave me a good understanding of the weakness of society. Such as how people give their power away by depending too much on the government and other people to solve their problems, whilst failing to be part of the global loving solution themselves. I saw the weakness of the government industries, office industries, financial industries, insurance industries, legal industries, criminal industries and all the other types of wrong industries and jobs. I had a whole list of jobs I knew were wrong and which I did not want to be part of, and this job was one of them.

It was a waste of life. At the same time I was travelling to India to do spiritual stuff. It was like two vector forces acting in opposite directions, making me dissociate from everyday life. I did not really care about my job or my life.

Spending time in India doing what I did may have been a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it was something I alone chose to do and sacrifice for. But I was far from being free and happy. So I decided that freedom is important to me. It is part of my eternal nature, future, and it is my responsibility to be absolutely free. And I believe that finally oneness with God or God union will equate to ultimate freedom.

To really be spiritual though I learned it is necessary to have all life arranged in a loving way, which usually means having a job that only serves and supports the loving side of creation. Plus a spiritually correct prerequisite for going on any type of spiritual retreat, and for it to be truly beneficial… is to be debt free. I know this to be true, because I discovered how wrong it is to have financial debts, especially where spirituality is concerned. True spirituality should only make people free.  Your spirituality and your life can compliment and uplift each other. There can be holistic harmony within all aspects of life.

It may be wrong to exclude every day life, work and family from spirituality, as this is where most of our spiritual lessons and learning reside. See “Spiritual Treasures – Final Edition” free download for more information.

So one day I decided to pack my bags and get on a plane, and go to Canada to do tree planting. My guru suggested to do something like this to grow strong and free in life. I know what my particular lessons are, and what I have to do.

I got the tree planting job easy by email, as they are always looking for people who want to do useful hard work such as tree planting. The person who hired me does a lot of traveling and likes having people from different countries. There were also two Australian girls and one guy from New Zealand as well. She thought it would be awesome and advised me on what type of visa to get. Most come on a Working Holiday Visa.

I was welcomed to Canada. My guru once said, only go wherever you are welcomed and help is needed. Help meaning useful work in this case.

So I flew to Timmins via Toronto and was traveling through this big exotic foreign country, up north to the forests. My destination was the french speaking place called, Hearst in northern Ontario. You can read about my tree planting in Canada adventure here.

This was a big opportunity to get back to basics in life and live in the nature, in the forests to do some useful work that is in harmony with nature and God.

It felt good doing something I wanted to do. To know that I am doing a useful loving work, instead of feeling bad for doing something I know is wrong.  Living in a camp in the middle of nowhere, in the forests, with a rapid river as our supply of water, it had it’s challenges. But it was a once in a lifetime gift of an experience. Probably the closest thing I could immagin, how people once lived and worked thousands of years ago. By living in the forests, in a very simply but loving way in the nature.

So after spending a couple of days checking out Timmins, it was agreed I could arrive early and stay at the shop for a few days and then head out with them to help set up the camp.

I arrived early and was picked up  at the Greyhound bus depot at about 1am by 2 hippie like Australian girls in a truck, who turned out to be our cooks. They took me to some outback place called, ”the shop” in Hearst that was full of old buses. I was shown to my sleeping quarters, which turned out to be an old school bus. They felt bad as it was the best they could do to accommodate me. It made me laugh, but actually I was so happy to be doing something unusual, fun and adventurous.

It turned out to be cold that night and I couldn’t sleep, so I spent the rest of the night inside the work shop, around a stove/fire with some guys who were getting drunk. One person was spontaneously making up crazy songs with his guitar. They turned out to be my best friends.

I was a bit nervous at first, as I was in a foreign place in a foreign country at night around a fire, with people who have different accents. They thought it was hilarious and awesome, that I had just literally come straight out of England and went to another country to the do one of the craziest jobs. I ended up sleeping in a shower trailer.

Hearst was some remote outback French speaking town up north, and you could see massive piles of logs all around that appeared to be 80-100ft high in the distance.  The rest of my planting experience was fun and you can read about it in the above link.

After tree plant I stayed with some friends and got to see some everyday life in Canada, and then I travelled with some friends to the Okanagan, British Columbia to look for cherry picking work, where I lived beside a beach in a tent whilst looking for a job. I then travelled on my own to a near by city, Kelowna. I got some temporary work insulating a house, and also worked for a lady in a hostel, by doing painting work for her. This work was available whenever I didn’t get work from the agency. Again I wasn’t expecting this kind of work opportunity. I saw the value of useful work and enjoyed it.

I got a regular construction job through an agency, before getting kicked out of all the hostels in town. So I ended up living in a homeless shelter for several weeks. There was only around 3 of us who could be bothered to get up early at around 4am every morning and walk several miles to the agency to go and work. I even offered to pay the homeless shelter, but they refused to accept my donation.

The Okanagan is like a vacation on a beach, so when I got home every evening I would hang out on the beach and go sunbathing or swimming, and go in a coffee shop to use my laptop. It was an amazing experience.

It was funny and interesting living in the homeless shelter and having coffee there. It was full of what they call, “crack heads” and prostitutes etc. Because it’s a holiday destination during the summer, everywhere was booked up. I actually decided to stay there at the homeless shelter for a little while just to be among the poor people and to learn about them. I met a lot of interesting people, including some native American/Indian people.

I went for a walk with this old native chap next to the beach and he was telling me the procedure of how to do sweat lodges and how to do some cures, such as healing a wound/cut with the sap of a tree to prevent scaring etc. It turned out I was the first person he had opened up to and talked to for many years. I met a lot of spiritual people who are travellers and prefer to sleep outdoors where they can better connect to the cosmos.

My construction job was fantastic valuable experience of learning how to do real work and how to be useful. I was the only one who was constantly being sent back to the same place each day, the same construction company everyday in Penticton. A lot of people did not like the foremen there, but I got on really well with them and they loved having me there and teaching me, and kept on ticking the box to have me back each day.

Every morning I would go into the Labour Unlimited, have a cup of coffee, and then I would be woken up when it was time to go to work. I would be driven to Penticton to work. We would chip in on the ride for the person who was driving and the agency also would give them money.  Penticton is another vacation on a beach type place. It’s often 100 degrees during the summer, and it’s a desert surrounded by two beaches. While people have ideas of Canada snowing, this was a desert. It was the hottest place in Canada. I was lucky to be there. More opportunities and gifts from God in exchange for doing/learning useful work.

I met some lovely people who found it funny when they gave me a ride back home, to the homeless shelter. They were laughing, “look at all these crack heads!”, “I can’t believe you live here”. One guy came up to the car and said he punctured his bicycle tyre, and do we have a puncture repair kit? When we said no, he said, “well do you have any glue?”. “He doens’t want the glue for his bike, he wants it to sniff!”. When I got out, my friend said “don’t let him steal your wallet!”.

When I bought a new bag, I wanted to give my old bag away. Someone said to just leave it there and if someone wants it they will take it. So I left it on the table in the homeless shelter, as an experiment I waited to see how long it takes for someone to take it.  As soon as my back was turned for one second, I turned round and got the glimpse of someone carrying it away and sneaking it out the door. It made me laugh. Especially when he gets round the corner and there is nothing in it. But hopefully it made a good bag for somebody.

To some people I seemed like a sweet person, and people liked my British accent and thought I was cute, so they wanted to keep me. So they took me away to Penticton. We stayed near the site in Penticton, and lived in a property that was being renovated. We had full permission to be there, and we camped outside in the garden. We were able to use the kitchen for cooking and the bathroom etc.  In exchange we would help out with some of the renovation of the house. All of this added to the adventure. And next door even gave us the password for their wi-fi.

We decided that we were going to work for the construction company directly, and that’s why we moved there. It would be easy for me especially as I had been there for a long time. I would just have to give them my resume.

It worked out, and we were hired directly by the company. I learned that it is okay to ask, suggest and negotiate whatever is reasonable and whatever you want when it comes to work.

After a month or so when the place was nearly finished we moved into a camp/travellers site. Then every evening after work, our job would be to split wood for the fire in order to cook. We continued to live very basic.

Since I had a decent job now, and considering the negative effects that drink and drug addictions have on people… I asked God to help me create a loving solution to my problem, to get me out of where I am camping/staying, and for me to live close to my work, and away from any alcoholic!

Within an hour the superintendent of my company approached me. He said he heard I am living in a tent, and offered me a place to live on site, in the middle of town.

He gave me an RV/camper van on site with air conditioning, cooking facilities, shower, hot water, tv and electric. I offered him a reasonable donation, but he insisted that it be free. And when the contract is done I can have the van if I want.

Since I was a valuable hard worker, responsible and didn’t take drugs or drink, I was invited by my company to live on site in an RV/motor-home, which was another fantastic loving gift/experience to dissolve the conventional boundaries and separations of work/home/friends and family. Since I was living on site, it was an easy commute.

Another similar experience of God solving problems. Suddenly I felt concerned that maybe I offered myself too cheap, but really I did not care, nor did I want to be greedy.  I may have actually been feeling the concern of someone else. So I threw it to God, and asked to be paid whatever I deserve, leaving it for God to decide what is best.  Then the superintendent approached me and said that since I do all the hard and difficult jobs that need to be done by somebody, and never complain like other people do, he is going to give me a pay rise. He said I deserve it. This was just after my first week of being hired and after a health and safety inspector came in and took photos of me and sent them to the Superintendent in an email so say how great it was that I was wearing full PPE, glasses, ear plugs, gloves and dust mask whilst drilling.

I was also working 7 days a week, 10 plus hours per day with the occasional 16-18 hour shift.

It took a lot of work to maintain and fix the motor-home when there were problems- such as when the roof became damaged or when there was a problem with the gas or water supply. I lived there until it got cold. Then I stayed in some comfy motels close by. I got a good monthly deal, and the rooms had an en suite kitchen with cooking facilities. I lived a life of luxury as it felt, until the job was completed and it got cold. Pnticton became transformed from a desert into snow over the winter.

People in Canada are always very hospitable. Someone offered to pack me up and take me to Vancouver, and I rented a room there in a nice place in a nice area. It does not snow in Vancouver, but it rains a lot. I got a roofing job there in a surrounding city, and for a short time I was able to come back to Penticton to stay with a carpenter and some friends whilst doing some deficiency work in Pentiction. I had a good time. I then got a job on a bridge near Vancouver. This was excellent experience too for one year.

One week I had cheques from 4 different companies, so I was moving in the right direction to becoming self-employed. I learned how to live a very basic life and to stay within my limits, and I experienced more freedom than I ever had before. At the same time I was getting a wealth of valuable work experience such as carpenters assistant and knowing my way around a construction site etc.

Lots of different companies think I am an awesome worker and like having me around, and I did not have any problems finding useful work in Canada. I also invested in different certifications/work tickets like fall protection and first aid, which helped me get better jobs.

It was not just because it was funny having someone with an British accent working on site, but because I leaned how to be useful and work really hard. On the roofing job, I offered myself fairly cheap and I did the work of 2-3 people. When they were short of people and tearing off an asphalt roof, I would be the slamming it all down the shoot like I was in battle. I had it all cleared in no time. This is one of the companies that are sponsoring me to come back. This firm was a small family business, and it was like being part of a family. I really enjoyed it.

Some of the jobs challenged my weakness and encouraged me to be more direct in communication, such as working on the bridge as a subcontractor. One of my weaknesses was not observing the full picture as to what was going on and asking too many questions. In my last job most people loved me asking questions, as they liked teaching me. Also the more questions you ask the less chance of screwing up a job.

But on the bridge some people did not like questions. I learned to be very direct with people in my communication. It was normal practice for people to shout and swear at each other. We didn’t take it personally though. A lot of people who I worked with on this job, most of them had been to prison for drugs, driving offenses and “punching people out”.  Some used to sell stolen cars, women and drugs. I yelled at a few people, and some of us started off stormy, but then we bonded well and by the time I left, everything was very peaceful and loving and all the angry people had calmed down.

I also learned to look around more, and understand more of what was going on to get the bigger picture and ask less questions. I managed to maintain my reputation of being helpful, dependable and a hard worker.

My foreman defined himself as a redneck and was one of the most difficult people, and was often described by people as being an asshole. He was such that it was funny, but we got on very well and being an asshole just turned out to be part of his humour. He said he can get me a job on the oil rigs anytime.

When I first started, he got us all together and threw a grinder that was broken and said that if we break the grinders he can’t work us. The parts to the grinders need to be ordered and come all the way from California.

He made us put all the broken tools and grinders together on a table and told us to fix them, and if anybody ends up without a grinder and full set of tools by the end of the day, they would be fired. Luckily I managed to fix one.  I think there is a chance he might have been a drill Sargent in a former life.

He used to work on the rigs as a driller for 10 years, and he said that if I can put up with his bullshit, I should be ready to go, for working on the rigs. This job was probably tougher than tree planting and it made me strong physically as well as prepare me for work, such as the oil rigs. The tools are very heavy and I had to carrying around compressors and cat cables and gfi boxes all the time. It was a very dangerous and dirty job that involved working at heights and with lead.

This company is also sponsoring me to come back to Canada. If this all goes to plan, then after a short while I plan to go on the rigs to pay off my student loan, and then continue to become more free and strong by working hard. Then maybe at some point a reasonable goal would be to become self-employed, like a self employed builder/carpenter maybe, or do some kind of apprenticeship with a humanitarian organisation. We will see what happens.

I thought it was a good idea at first for my parents to come and visit me in Canada, since they wanted to come, it’s been a year since I have seen my family, and it would be my last week in Canada. It also gives a chance for my last cheques to clear before I exit the country. But then I had doubts. I wrote an email to my parents to say that that actually I do not think it’s a good idea for me to have any vacation time as I am working hard to save up my money to pay off my student loan. Especially as working hard is my lesson, and that interrupting work and spending any money on a vacation would be completely wrong. They replied back to say that it’s too late, they have already booked their flight to Canada.

So they came and we had a good time time and we did some outdoor activities, like zip-lining through the rainforests and traveling through the Canadian wildness in ATV’s and then snow snowmobiling at the top of the mountains,  and we crossed the border to America for 2 days and then came back to my place. This gave us a chance to spend some time with each other and experience some new places.

We had a good time, but soon I become overwhelmed by their presence. I started doing the light shower opening for God, whilst in their presence to dissolve the resistance and rejection I had to some of their emotional behavior, which I perceived to be immature and hysterical. I felt that they used the smoke from the cigarettes to slow down, cover up and sedate their emotions. The light shower dissolved a lot of blockages in my lower chakras, that their behavior brought out in me.

Yesterday on the ferry, I felt spiritually disorientated and I started to panic as I felt that I was in the wrong place. I felt I was taking a step backwards in life, and especially at the prospect of having to go back to the UK. Two different companies in Canada have sponsored me by getting a labour market opinion but this process and a work permit will take time- realistically I expect up to 6 months.

My spiritual goal seemed so far away now that I reached out to God in a panic… what do I do now…? where do I go…? is my goal even possible and what would it feel like….?

Suddenly I reached out and connected to my guru and a beautiful image of a sun rising or setting appeared in my vision. I felt a lot of warmth when thinking of him and remembered that God is love. It would feel like being at home, wherever my home would be, my real spiritual home. It occurred to me that I can always feel love inside me. I can feel love NOW and whatever the situation.  I just need to reconnect, feel, nurture and most importantly ALLOW that love inside of me. All of this guidance happened instantly. And a light, a sun shine of love and warmth was felt inside of me. I also felt God’s love outside of me, like a kind of shivery feeling or quickening, like the feeling of angels in the purity of the air. All this happened immediately.

Since then I have felt God’s presence inside of me very strongly, and this had led me to having the feeling of exchanging love with people who live across the other side of the world, by having more in my heart. It’s about consciously remembering to keep my heart open in all situations.

It occurred to me that love flows in the present moment. THIS moment. I don’t need to go anywhere, achieve anything or do anything, in order to FEEL the love right now. I just need to consciously allow it, have faith in it, and nurture it inside of me. Although useful work and actions allow us to prove this love.

Just like the warmth of the sun can feel good, like this is where we want to be; God and love can also be felt, and make us feel happy and close to home- no matter what situation we may find ourselves in on this planet. We can have our home in our heart. To permanently feel the warmth and love of God inside. Just like my guru can be one with God, and still have a physical body right now on the planet.

A long time ago before I met any gurus or before I read the Cyberspace ashram for instance….

I had lots of problems with my parents.

One time I was struggling with my parents. Me and my family were having “family therapy” sessions. We were talking to a therapist while there was two psychoanalysts (Bernie and Eddie) behind a one way mirror analyzing us and watching how we behaved. The therapist would then go and see Bernie and Eddie and have a chat with them and then come back into the room. He would occasionally invite Bernie and Eddie to come out, sit down and have a conversation with each other, and start talking about us to see how we react. But we were not allowed to talk to them.

The first session, I turned up on my own and started talking to the therapist, and later Bernie and Eddie were invited to come out and sit down and start having a conversation about me to see how I react. But I was warned that I am not allowed to communicate with them. They came out and started talking about my inner realms of thoughts and feelings. And having someone to be able to know and understand how I felt in the deepest way- such as my inner challenges was healing. To have someone identify and relate with me in a profound and almost spiritual way was healing.

When my parents came for the next session, it was disaster. And I think the therapists were also very disappointed with me. The therapist tried to get to the point where he would say to each of us, “is there something you want to say?” And each of us failed to have the courage to say, “I love you”.

Eddie (a gentleman with a beard) who was behind the mirror came out and said he was trying to keep track of all the different “arrows” that we were firing at each other, by drawing arrows on the white board. The main therapist got so fed up with us, that in the end he actually suggested, maybe we should just split up and not have anything to do with each other. Eddie said that is not a solution, because they’re his family. On that occasion we didn’t get very far.

Before the last next session, I was up for many hours meditating the night before, “Oh God, my heart is open to you, please come sit in my heart”.  I even meditated on the train on the way to the therapy session at the hospital.

After many hours of meditation. I went in there and my parents were in a really good mood and feeling good, because I was feeling good and my energy may have affected them. The main therapist commented that Bernie (a female lady) behind the screen had noticed how calm and cheerful my Dad was when he first walked into the room, and could it be because I was calm?

The meditation gave me 100% huge clarity. The therapist started by saying that we need to somehow do to some serious work if we want to make some progress.  I said I don’t think we need any more sessions. My Dad jumped in and said, “I agree!” and the therapist laughed.

They asked me what I wanted them to do differently. We had already been through this. I said I don’t care if they do anything differently, or behave any differently. And they said, “What? You don’t want us to do…. this… and that….”. I said no don’t bother, you can do whatever you want. If you feel that you want to do something differently then do it. I said I don’t have a problem anymore. I love you the way you are, and don’t expect you to change.

I stopped wanting or needing them to change and behave differently. I said with 100% clarity from the meditation, that our relationship will progress and get better over time, and I was right. Now I can hug my parents and say, “I love you”.

The therapists at the end were actually impressed, shook my hand and said well done, but it wasn’t me it was the God and the meditation.

When you move out from your parents house and be completely independent (with no financial ties), not having to rely on your parents for anything at all- including emotionally or for any type of love needs, nothing that they can do to annoy or frustrate you can affect you anymore. So they can behave however they like, and you can just love them the more. That’s when true friendship and love can start to develop.

Although I love love, and want to improve my love in all situations, and wasn’t able to receive in my life all the basic love I needed to be “normal”. I accepted God as my divine mother and father. So I don’t need to fight in order to change people, and I don’t need to rely on certain people to get my basic needs of love met. And now I enjoy a fairly good relationship with my parents.

My Christmas pardon is quite complex, but it mainly involves forgiving and pardoning myself and moving forward in life. It involves forgiving mistakes made, like wasting many years of my life in an office job.

All the time I was stuck in the wrong job that I did not like and did not want to do, I was weak in life. All my life force was going to where ever the money and work efforts were going, to support a wrong government industry, myself and different hierarchies in the world, at the expense of me remaining weak. With any hierarchy, someone becoming strong can be the last thing they want, because it may result in one member or tax payer less.

• Forgiving myself for confusion, such as being torn between different spiritual traditions and confusing other people in the process, with the possibility of misleading, disturbing or doing harm. Forgiving myself for all karma of the past and present.
• Forgiving myself for acting carelessly, such as not having a clear mind and joking around and gossiping too much.
• Forgiving myself for having had wrong goals. In spirituality if your goals are anything else but direct union with God (beyond manifestation or deities), or if your time and energy are spent on other secondary affairs, wishes, desires or wrong use of your life force/energy or money, then you may have wasted your life. If something does not lead to complete freedom, then maybe it was a mistake and waste of life.

If there is someone (such as me) or anything- including a spiritual tradition that is not perfect, then you may expect criticism from a God-realized person. Examples of God-realized people may be Babaji (the Babaji that has not left his body since Autobiography of a yogi) or Jesus for instance. Although lots of people can be enlightened, there are different stages of enlightenment, such as Self Realization. But my understanding of complete God-realization is that it is not necessary for a person to refer to his/her guru in their teachings if they are fully God-realized, because they get their information/teachings directly from the source. God becomes their only guru.

A fully god-realized person having attained God-realization could even be the permanent guru of their own guru in this lifetime- the one that brought them to God-realization in this lifetime for instance.

• This year I have tried to make God my only guru, to only connect to God directly- beyond any hierarchies, deities or manifestations, and that’s been a big challenge and difficult for me over the last year, as I love Shiva for instance. Although different God’s/deities can help you out, there is a possibility that they can also mislead you; such as manipulate and guide you to where ever it serves their own world best, rather than to your true home in God. The goal of God-realization is not so that you can do good karma, or be a powerful divine person in your next life- it’s to return home to God- nothing more and nothing less- certainly not to stay on this planet. It is possible to do more to help the planet by being at home in God.  But hierarchies may have a benefit for keeping you on earth.
• We have to understand that even God’s are not perfect, and have their limitations and may mislead us. Instead of going home to God, you could end up as a present/future incarnation tax payer, worker and member just for the sake of the spiritual hierarchy. Hierarchies can have the danger of completely misleading the word. For instance Jesus never gave anybody permission (including me) to “translate” any of his teachings, even if they have good intentions. A true God-realized set of teachings is not subject to interpretation or translation. They just come directly from God to be read and understood in their original language for that time.
• I had to chose one spiritual tradition over the other. I wanted to take the milk of one tradition and the curd of the other tradition, put them into one pot and drink it. One guru in India suggested this. As arguably there is one consciousness that all true spiritual traditions share, ie the God consciousness. But with a “complete” set of God-realized teachings such as the Cyberspace Ashram, you can’t mix it with other teachings, and one day or another I would have to chose one complete set of teachings to follow.
• I cleared by my website from any potential confusing/misleading information and deleted it from the Internet archives.
• I chose to work hard abroad in useful jobs such as in forestry and construction following the principles of Mother Holle.

No matter how much I love India, and the different traditions of my previous incarnations and best friend, and the different deities etc; I was torn between different spiritual forces acting on me. I wasn’t doing much good to anybody, especially to myself in my office job. So things were a big mess, and I kind of rejected one side of my traditions, and just focused on what my guru said- that my way to God is by working, hard, and harder and longer and better than ever before, and to focus on being free. This was the only way to work on healing all confusion, and work out all karma.

When I visited my guru, this is the advice he gave me to start me off spiritually, is to get a job abroad- in a useful job. He gave me a lot of advice about how to re-orientate my life and head in the right direction towards God-realization. If I ever wanted to really help and be useful spiritually or even as a guru, I would need lots of experience working abroad. Otherwise how are people going to trust me if I do not have life experience? How are poor people going to trust me if I have never lived and worked with them in different countries for instance? My guru was a lovely simple person living in a hut on a beach at the time, and who likes to socialize. He was nothing like a maharaja for instance.

Over the last year I have done two things to progress:

1. I have forgiven and pardoned myself for all my mistakes and confusions made. I have asked forgiveness, pardon and love from all people that I may have rejected or blamed in anyway for my confusion, including God, myself and those that have passed away. One person who recently passed away spoke to me when I was in a conscious sleep and said that he always loves me and is always sending his love. I have forgiven everything and everybody, including my guru for being harsh.
2. Action. I have converted all advice received into action. The best piece of advice I have taken to heart is the fairytale of Mother Holle. When I am working I am always thinking of this. For instance one day early in my job they had me sweeping for a whole day. I did not mind, I was thinking about the fairytale of Mother Holle and remaining humble and dedicating the humble simple service to God. I have the attitude of industriousness, serving God in all that I do, like the girl serving and working for Mother Holle doing her simple tasks.  And I was rewarded for it in many ways. I am now blessed with freedom, a future and an open heart. Taking the right action helps dissolve karma. I am now living an adventurous life in another country and have future prospects for working in many different countries. The next step is to pay off my student loan before using all the money earned to fun/fund humanitarian work.

When all is pardoned, all becomes one in my heart. And my heart is free for love and for me to become successful, and to fulfill the goals of this incarnation, which is to make God happy.  Although people. gurus might not agree how I live my life, the important thing is that no damage or karma is caused by my life; and that I should be a source of pleasure and happiness for all.

Whenever I find that I have a problem, I find that action is the best solution- moving forward with boldness and determination to succeed, and whatever the confusion is, to fulfill the goals of this incarnation no matter what.

After tree plant I took a two week break with some friends before travelling to the Okanagan in British Columbia to do cherry picking, but I found myself homeless and jobless instead due to poor preparation. I resumed working hard immediately after a final “spiritual ass kicking” from my guru, who said that I am an expert in avoiding work I need to practice useful and helpful physical work.

My spiritual lesson is to work more, work much more, and much more, and each time I believe to be tired to find a reason to interrupt work there will be a time kick my ass and keep working harder than ever before.

I had offered him a donation which he refused, and he told me to work hard for 7 years and then donate myself. By working and financing work for the poor people in disaster/war zones. He did not accept my donation because my savings were financed by my previous UK government office job. In tree plant they give you a cash advance but you do not get your final payment for over a month.

Hans suggested reading the fairytale of Mother Holle until fully understood. He said no need to talk about spirituality, my way is work.

I am now working hard in heavy construction doing solid physical work, which has included heavy lifting, the use of sledge hammers, digging, drilling, screwing, stapling nails, knocking down walls, sawing, sweeping, shovelling, working in trenches and general hard strong work. I also have been doing painting work for a land lady at a hostel I was staying in. I have to walk at least several miles to and fro from work each day, and have many blisters on my feet. I spend most days exhausted with often as little as 4 1/2 hours sleep.

But the whether is great here and I can chill out on the beach after work and hang out at the coffee shop to use my laptop.

I will continue to work hard all my life, and follow the advice of my guru. The construction work is great experience, as I want to build my own house with some friends one day. I get to know about a variety of tools, materials and machinery etc. I feel like I am becoming a “real man” as Hans calls it, and strong in life. I also have the experience of overcoming hardships such as homelessness, and I have the ability to find work wherever necessary and whatever the situation is.

I have learned how to become strong. Especially, the tree planting prepares a person for anything since it is so hardcore. This may be the preparation to become the stronghold of a family and community for instance.

I am thinking about buying a camper van when I get paid to live and travel in, such as when I resume my job in forestry.

I got a working holiday visa/work permit to Canada. This was on the suggestion of my guru, to work in different countries doing useful physical work. To experience different situations and cultures on earth whilst working in a useful physical job helps us grow strong in life and understand human problems and relativity. Every country and culture has something positive to teach or add to the quality of human happiness, as well as things that are wrong. Being a foreigner also makes a person humble.

It is my spiritual lesson to work hard in real physical jobs. Hans suggested tree planting in Canada, which I found out is one of the hardest jobs in Canada, besides crab finishing and underwater wielding. He suggested this, as it would help me grow strong and prepare me for real life.

It was fun living in a tent somewhere in the middle of forests, in northern Ontario. The first week I found the job confusing. I had difficulty seeing, finding and following the various lines of trees and ended up getting lost and stumbling onto other peoples land. Especially when working in a prescribed burn, where the forest had not been burnt properly. You do not know where your plot is and you can not see the trees you have planted.

But I took the initiative to gets some help from an experienced planter and got some coaching. Then I started doing well by the end of my first week. I learned some techniques and became an efficient planter. The trees had to have a spacing of 7 feet in all directions and had to be planted to strict quality guidelines, otherwise they can ask you to replant the trees. Tree planting is piecework, which means you get paid by how many trees you plant.

Every day had its challenges, like when it rains and you are soaking wet and the zipper on the tent breaks, the door comes off and you cant get your muddy boots off.

One day the black flies became so bad that I was wearing bug lotion and a bug spray at the same time, and blood was dripping from my face. Then I had to climb over a tree, and my trousers tore open exposing the whole of my legs, and I thought I was going to get eaten alive. It was a nightmare situation, but luckily I was okay.

One time they got into my shirt and my back was covered in bites. I would end up waking in the night and spending an hour scratching. Some people were turning up to work in bee hive costumes. In the end I built up an immunity to black flies and mosquitoes. The bites started to heal faster, and they left me alone more.

Some of the work conditions were challenging, such as over 10 hours on my feet with heavy exercise. We would be driven by bus into the forests were we would be working, but often had to walk many miles to get to our destination. There were extremes of weather conditions, such as the heat. I often suffered from heat exhaustion, and it was challenging working all day in rain and mud. It was important to keep hydrated well by drinking lots of water and juice.

We each brought a large packed lunches to work each day and learned what foods would give us the best energy sustenance. It is often good to eat regularly to keep up energy levels. Tree planters can burn up to 5000 calories a day and the physical exertion is comparable to that of an athlete.  Some people need a constant supply of sugar to keep them going. In the end I discovered I needed at least 50% natural raw fruit and veg to keep my energy levels constant, and other complex carbohydrates such as wholegrain. Otherwise just snacking on simple sugar products would just leave me feeling depleted of energy.

I got to enjoy the open air and healing nature. I pitched my tent under a couple of trees for good energy. I made some great friends and had a lot of fun. It felt great doing a spiritually acceptable job and hard physical work. It kept me in good shape.

We all got very dirty everyday and often went for many days or up to a week without changing our clothes or showering. But because of the healthy work, along with healthy vegetarian food I actually smelled a lot better than usual (no need for lemons or deodorant). I had people smelling me and asking what cologne I was wearing, and I told them I just did not wash or change my clothes for a week.

It was nice to live naturally and freely, away from what we call civilization. There was no phone or Internet reception in the forests, so there was zero communication with the outside world. I only had one day a week to go into town and use my laptop in a coffee shop. It was nice to finally live, rather than working in a boring office environment.

In our first camp we had a rapid river as our organic water supply for drinking, showering, and washing. It was nice not have any bills to pay and any expenses. It reminded me of how people may have lived thousands of years ago simply in the nature in hard working small loving communities.

When it was warm and the bugs were not bad, I enjoyed sitting outside the tent meditating in my flat jack yoga chair.  Some planters bring their dogs to work, so that keeps the bears away, and they did not tend to come near.

People found it funny that I went to another country to do what they understood was the most craziest job, and especially when I said it was because someone suggested it. The job was to help me grow strong. But the strength I gained was more of a strength associated with freedom.

At camp we were a very loving small community of people. Everybody got on well and accepted each other. Everybody worked hard and supported each other. At camp in my experience there was zero negativity, bitching, arguing or fighting. Everybody was loving and it was a very pleasant place to be.

I visited a theme park with roller coasters. I was surprised that a friend of mine who is normally very confident and daring, wanted to go home as soon as we arrived. He had panic attacks from a traumatic experience when he was a child. Roller coasters brought on severe anxiety and panic attacks. He became unusually miserable. It was clear he was going to spend the day left out and avoid going on any rides.

It was only the week before when he forced me to get up and dance at a bar when I was feeling nervous. After we went on several rides without him, I held my arms out in a hug and pushed him down the queue for the ride we were going on. I massaged his shoulders and slapped him on the back 3 times with the intention of giving him an energy boost to heal his panic attacks and get him on the ride.

It worked. He went on the ride.

However immediately I felt sick, and shaky like parts of my body were burdened and weighed down. I felt tension in my chest and back.

I realized I had absorbed some of his panic attack into my own body in order to dissolve it for him.  But it did not bother me too much or affect my ability to go on any rides. I was very confident that I could dissolve it easy. However my comfort levels were shaky for the rest of the day. I then proceeded to the water park to wash out the panic attack from my body.

It is interesting that even anxiety and panic can be transferred energetically, electronically or chemically from one person to another.

My friend enjoyed the ride and soon went on a big roller coasters. He enjoyed himself for the rest of the day. This made everybody’s day better, but it made my day more challenging and difficult to digest.

I dissolved a portion of his panic and anxiety into my own body. It did not take away his responsibility to dissolve his own problems, as there was still a lot of work to do on his part and he claimed to have passed out on one of the roller coasters. But it assisted him in dealing with and overcoming his own anxiety and panic attacks in a way that he could manage and digest and it got him on the rides.

Funnily enough it was also the 3rd day of the full moon, which may be an example why to be careful about sharing energy during this time as it is a time of purification when all our chakras are open.

This morning I planned to get up at 5am to prepare for the gym before work.  It was one of the coldest days of the year, a Friday,  and since I had already been to the gym several times this week I decided to relax and sleep in.

I then continued to experience some wonderful dreaming.  It was complete lucid dreaming for several hours. Complete awareness and conscious dreaming- in and out of different astral universes, alternating between becoming physically conscious of my body and then back through a myriad of different worlds again.

I realized that there is no difference between these infinite astral worlds, and what we call reality here on this planet. It was as real as what we experience as real physical life, only I had a better quality of life. More freedom to manipulate, change and transcend different realities.

I was using a technique called, “quasi-reality”. I have never heard of this term before, and never even heard of the word “quasi” before. I could not wait to Google it when I woke up from my dreaming experience, as the name was somehow intuitively discovered or given during my experience. I did not find much on Google though.

Quasi by dictionary definition means something like, having a likeness/resemblance to  reality. But then we have to ask ourselves what is reality? Are we talking about the absolute reality? Is anything in our physical word that we perceive actually reality, or is it just another dream?

Reality is often defined by dictionary definition as, “the totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence”, or “the quality or state of being actual or true”.  So maybe God is the absolute reality?

The technique of “quasi-reality” involved being able to manipulate, change and transcend my reality, and move through one level of universe to the other- changing the reality, transcending and traveling through different spheres and experiences whenever and where ever I decided.

It was like shuffling the cards of reality, in search for more bliss, greater spheres of more intense peace, happiness, fun, and adventure- maybe in search of the true reality.  At the time I assumed quasi was something to do with the word quarter, as my technique involved dividing and breaking up my perception of reality into four horizontal sections and pulling out one of the sections of a puzzle, which allowed me to manipulate and change my reality for the better, or transcend it into another realm altogether. It was the ability to travel.

I managed to travel and change my experience at ease, and had full control and conscious awareness over my experiences. I went from hanging out with a spiritual friend in a beautiful environment like it was real life, to attending a meeting at a hospital,  giving consumer advice to an irate customer, to traveling on a roller-coaster ride, switching environments and experiencing something new whenever I fancied a change using the technique and my body a central hub or base for coming back to physical reality.

I chose to travel into more experiences, searching for greater bliss and peace- and generally had better quality experiences and adventures than my present mundane life here on earth presently has to offer.

In light of all the fully conscious (like being in a fantasy movie) experiences, I realized how much I have allowed myself to become imprisoned in my current state of physical life, compared to all the adventures and freedom out there in real life, away from physical earth. I experienced how my physical life and body is a burden with its limitations of travel, eating and following time (watches) and deadlines that we find in life, and the boring qualities of being in mundane and life situations and wrong jobs.

I nearly laughed to think that my life really is no life at all- I have no real quality of life or adventure and freedom. I have allowed myself to be enslaved, to be a prisoner and a failure, compared to the infinite life out there in other realms and universes, and at some stage perhaps oneness with God and an eternal life in God within realms of love. Referring to my present life I asked myself, “how did I manage to get myself into such mess?”,  like being in a prison cell?

But then I realized that this is my lesson, to free myself in this physical life by clearing up my life to become strong and free and live my life how I wish to live it for eternity and to live my life in a way that fulfills all my dreams.

I perceived my physical life to be like a basement full of junk that I need to clean out, which I should give my full attention and efforts to. There should be no avoiding real life lessons. I know what I need to do to progress now and be free- and that is real solid useful physical work.

All these dream worlds and universes, although they were better than my current state of life here, I believe they were still far away from God.  Some of the worlds were there to reflect my inner states and ego. They were mirrors of my current problems, fears, and anxieties from within- but in astral realms I had more freedom to live my dreams and create the reality and experiences that I needed and wanted.  I had freedom to move on.

It is all about internal development. As I change inside (as I spiritually develop), I believe my reality and environment must also adapt to accommodate my higher vibrations. Or alternately a change of  environmental is needed. I change and become higher in vibration until oneness with God.

If astral worlds are the same as this physical world,  then maybe I can change my own experience of the physical world in the same way as I did in my dreams?

By shuffling my own cards of reality, by moving to a new country, a new job, a new and different environment, with new people, developing new skills, and having new adventures- then I can progress spiritually like I did in my dreams and clear out my basement of junk and release myself from prison.

I woke up with a new knowledge and happiness about infinity and life. I also realized that our experiences of physical life is often quite ridiculous and wrong, including our “expectations” about anything in life and what might happen in the future or any fears and limitations that prevent a happy and loving existence.

It is also interesting to note, that I once asked a God-realized person if he ever did astral traveling, and he said that he no longer has an astral body. These astral and physical universes may only be for those who still have ego.

Let the deck of life be shuffled.

My Christmas preparation started in January when I first visited my beloved spiritual teacher, Hans on a beautiful paradise island in the Philippines. I still treasure in my heart the amazing loving time spent with him.

The greatest benefit of my visit was personal spiritual guidance that would enable me to change my life, in order to have a powerful loving, spiritual, free and happy life. This included many personal tips about life and personal relationships, from having a more direct approach with women, to the importance of useful work. He helped clear up a lot of illusions I had about life and spirituality. The whole trip was a very fun, loving and challenging adventure- from the flights, hotels, the people I met and the paradise of being with Hans on the beach next to the pacific ocean. It definitely felt like Christmas in my heart.

Hans suggested applying for a visa to Canada and doing some jobs in forestry such as tree planting to prepare for a loving, free and useful life. Spending a year in Canada had actually been a desire of mine. A friend of had once spent a year living and working in Canada, and it had a wonderful effect on his life- especially to have visited, lived and worked in a variety of different countries.

I did a lot of preparations for tree planting, such as going to the gym and doing gardening work to prepare physically for the challenge of tree planting in spring. Unfortunately my visa did not come in time for spring. I then decided to go to India to complete a 5 year spiritual process. I felt I did not want to miss out on any spiritual experiences.

However I made some mistakes, and especially in an article I wrote about my visit to the Philippines. I got a lot of data and facts mixed up about different people, stories and events. The article also reflected my spiritual confusion. Confusion about myself, past lives, my then present confusing spiritual situation, and a confusion of different spiritual traditions.

The article focused on seeing things in a funny perspective and was spiritually immature. It may have offended some people and may have been a personal, legal and spiritual liability for others including myself. This resulted in some people loosing trust in me.

I learned of the importance of not interpreting teachings, unless fully God-realized. This is because until we become God-realized we only have small pieces of the jigsaw. We should not publish, talk or chit chat about spiritual teachings out of context. I also made a mistake by publishing a commentary on bible quotes, which could have contributed towards spreading misleading information about God and religion.

Those who are one with God are often those who create original texts in their own language, and avoid adding their own interpretations, comments and ideas on top of existing spiritual teachings.

I risked being a dangerous web publisher. By creating possible damage to mankind or creation by spreading wrong teachings which could create the karma for me to correct all damage done.

To receive discipline/criticism from a God-realized person may actually be a lucky opportunity. A lot of criticism hit my ego very hard. But now I see all that was said was actually very kind and loving. I am happy to have another chance at life, and make life loving and happy for myself and all. Words of criticism although seemingly razor sharp or harsh to my ego, could have saved me millions of years in karma and mistakes. The key is to accept eternal liability and responsibility for anything and everything we write and do in life. All mistakes have to be corrected at our own time and expense.

All have the same opportunities, and my spiritual progress and success in no way depends on any type of group membership. But I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all those who’s names, facts and stories I mixed up.

I have learned a valuable lesson about staying within my limits. We sometimes have to exceed our limits in order to know our limits, and I feel that is what I have successfully done.  I was told that “mistakes only come from exceeding limits or reading OWN confused stuff in other literature”.

The best way to clarify any distorted perception or confusion may be to work and travel in many different countries across the world by doing useful and helpful physical work. I now have my visa and will be living and working abroad from spring in order to start my REAL spiritual life and work. Loving work is like the base of a cake, and meditation is like the icing on the cake.

For my preparation for Christmas blessings this year, I have done a lot of helping work and preparations for tree planting in Canada. I am also spending lots of loving time with family and parents to get peace with them as much as possible, as this could be my last Christmas I spend with them. I may spend the rest of my happy helping future life as a foreigner.

I never knew how to take advantage of such opportunities before, or how easy it is to get a working holiday visa to another country. I never knew of opportunities like tree planting before.

An important focus of my preparation has involved getting out of debt. I am now just out of debt and will have enough money saved to travel to Canada by spring.

New work opportunities may come by merit. The more helping and useful I am, the more opportunities become available. I am aware of how nearly everything important is sent or arranged by God.

I have also made loving Christmas preparations by changing where I live to a peaceful and loving environment. I am now close enough to my work, to be able to spend up to 40 minutes a day walking into work and then back again. This combined with growing and eating my own organic food has significantly improved the quality of my health and fitness. As a result I have a good immune system and am not bothered by colds anymore. While other people suffer many days with colds, for me a cold may last up to as little as 5 minutes. There are many other benefits I have gained from organic gardening:

• Spending time, enjoying and improving my relationship with healing nature
• Healthy exercise and living
• Provide all my own vegetables
• Spend quality time with loving family and friends
• Learning about nature and God
• Learning about the cycles of life and nature, such as the different seasons of the year and different plants
• Hugging trees and kissing roses
• Learning to become more pure and loving towards nature
• Gaining a sense of responsibility and achievement towards a worthy cause
• Creating something of lasting value as a Christmas gift to others

Maybe you want to keep a record of some emails/letters in your inbox or sent item, for spritual or legal reasons. Your personal evolution files are stored in your Home folder- mine is /home/james. The folder is a hidden file called, .evolution. Before my re-installation I backed up this folder.

When I tried to recover my Mail system it did not work. I could read files but not send any mail or save any mail. This was probably because not ALL of the configuration files are contained in .evolution and also there may be complications if you NOW have a more updated version of Evolution. Some configuration files are also contained in .gnome2 and .gnome2_private which also need to be backed up.

But the most safest method I use now after my problem of restoration to back up files is this:

1. Highlight and select all your Inbox mail then click “File” and “Save as”. This will save all your Inbox mail as ONE file.
2. Do this for your Sent items and any other folder items. Then you have one file for each item. Then you can put these files into a dated Evolution backup file.

You can also do this if for the mail in an Evolution system that is corrupt and that you can not use, like in my case.

Then after you have re-installed your updated Evolution system… all you have to do is drag each of the backup files into their relevant folders.

For instance the mail file you have saved and backed up- just take this and drag it into your “Inbox” and suddenly all your mail starts to appear magically. I find that it is a more simple and risk free way of backing up Mail. It also enables you to better manage backup files so you can organize them by date or folders.

But finally… why do you want to keep old Mail and old stuff anyway? After restoring my Mail I decided to delete everything! It is nice to get rid of all old and stagnated stuff. It is like tidying up your house and getting rid of all junk and clutter. I just kept a few technical and spiritual emails that I may wish to refer to again for instructions and technical info etc. But this technique may save you a lot of trouble that was caused for me on this occasion.